We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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