fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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