Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
