So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
