He had one of those small greek statue penises
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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