My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
