I will die if light touches me.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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