You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
