His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
