We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
