I have demons in me.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
