i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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