I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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