stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
