The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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