Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
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