Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
