im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
