I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
