Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
