one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
