I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dignity is for republicans.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
