I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
false alarm. still invincible.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
