I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
