I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
high people should be assigned attendants
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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