I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
