He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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