i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
