Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
