I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
