He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
