I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
