We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
