So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
