omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm like, not good at living.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
