Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
