I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
tell me about the eggs
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