I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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