morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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