my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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