I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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