I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
