Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
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Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
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I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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