omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
