im drinking this country out of the recession.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You ruined the universe
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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