I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
