and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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