Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Randomize
