I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
