i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.