I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
