I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.