Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
