It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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