We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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