I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
