i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
