just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
