I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
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No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
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reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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