his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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