you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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