when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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