so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
