Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
